I’ll tell you what I’d do if I was in charge. First of all I’d tell Rooney to fuck off. You’re a muppet and you’re no good any more - fuck off back to old trafford and shag a granny you bald wanker. Then I’d shove in that rickie lambert fella - propa Englishman him - and I’d tell Adam lama…Adam lallama…that Southampton geezer to put the ball in the box onto lambert’s ‘ed and he can stick it in the net. Now, I wouldn’t play this continental system - you wanna play your 4-4-2 and I’d go to Paul scholes and I’d say - now I know you’re fucking old mate, but you’re still fucking quality and your country needs you. Wham bang - we’d beat Uruguay like that, get a draw of them Italians - cos they’re still crafty - and we’d whallop Costa Rica or cosa Nostra, whatever they’re called. Then we’d beat whoever we face in the second round and quarters - the Germans in the semis - on penalties - then in the final we’d smack the shit out of Argentina like we did in the Falklands, win the fahkin World Cup.
—via an Englishman in New York: “I can guarantee you that up and down the country of my birth this evening [which was the evening of June 19), following England’s defeat [by Uruguay] this monologue was given by some fat, beer swilling tattooed up guy: (for the sake of it, read it in Ray Winstone’s voice but the accent will change depending on the city”